After that last post I have received several calls and emails asking if I'm okay. I really appreciate the concern and prayers. This has been a tough week - for a lot of reasons. Sometimes things just pile up, and you feel like you can't handle it all. That's where I am. So, here are some thoughts that may clarify my last post.
I am not going through a massive crisis at the Kaufman Church - I am just reminded from time to time of how much hurt and frustration I went though during my last few months at the last church I preached. Yesterday was one of those days that triggered some tender memories and emotions. I was having a bit of a pity party.
The past year has been FULL of change and turmoil for Holly and I. We are still trying to sort our way through a lot of stuff and find a settled routine.
I was trying to show that church can also be a place of lament and sorrow. It is very dangerous and shallow to think of church as a place of constant joy and happiness ALL the time.
Ministers are sometimes put on a pedestal, but we are humans too!! Many days I feel like Moses when he said to God, "please give someone else this job. I can't do it. They won't listen to me!" I sometimes have weak faith. I always wonder if I'm the right person doing the right thing. I think that kind of doubt is healthy for a minister.
So, thank you again to all those who "talked me off the ledge!" I'll be okay.
2 comments:
Charles,
We had Lynn Anderson speak for the last couple of weeks at church. He talked about John Westerfhoff's "Four Rings in the Faith Development Tree." I loved story he told about Ruel Lemmons answering questions at an ACU lectureship. One person stood up and asked (I hope I didn't butcher this quote), "Is it true that the heritage of a church will crystalize into an organization to the point it begins to persecute those who practice the original tenants of the original movement?" to which Ruel simply answered, "Yes" and sat back down.
The entire lesson really reassured me that my questioning and searching is good and part of growing. However, with any growth comes struggle and pain. Any movement in a direction comes with friction and resistance.
You know Jenn, the kids and I also went through a big change moving from the military way of life we had known for so long. This new job has been challenging and the entire process has been painful sometime. But I know that I am continuing to grow through this all.
Totally off the subject... I have an experiment going at my house. I have taken two books; "The Worldly Church" and "The Crux of the Matter" and stuck them side by side in the bookcase. I am waiting to see if they ignite some day.
I agree that doubt in ourselves is healthy in a minister or in any disciple. Unfortunatley, many times we have to find ourselves at a point of brokeness, realizing our lack of power over things before God can then step in and be seen through us. Paul was so right when he said "When I am weak, He is strong."
"They" might not listen to you but I believe they will listen when God speaks through you. Maybe He doesn't need such great speakers just transparent willing ones:)
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